If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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