Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
