shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
