Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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