FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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