New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
