I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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