I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
