Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
