A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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