I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
