I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
