Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
