Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
