I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
