soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I need to align my fucking chakras
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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