Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sarcasm needs its own font
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
