you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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