I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
