He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
