she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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