So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
