i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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