Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
