i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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