When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
