If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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