Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
