I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
