so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
