He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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