Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
