Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
