I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My feet surprised me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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