As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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