my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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