If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
