my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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