i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
