She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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