WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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