Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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