Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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