I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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