Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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