if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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