sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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