you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
