if you like me you must not know who I am
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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