My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
